my review of Angel Star

Also crossposted from goodreads.

Angel Star by Jennifer Murgia

My rating: 1 of 5 stars






I'm not going to torture myself any more with this, and I hope none of you choose to do the same. That's right, bitches -- I'M GOING TO REVIEW A BOOK WITH HAVING ONLY READ HALF OF IT.







So, let us begin on our journey...



Prolouge



When people say "This is the worst book I have ever read" in their reviews, I used to think they were overreacting...



TEN REASONS WHY I STOPPED READING ANGEL STAR



1. The Plot



Or, more accurately, the lack of one.



Let me tell you two solid things I should see by page 100.



Firstly, the antagonist. The closest thing we have to an antagonist at this point is Brynn, the head cheerleader of the book who bullies Teagan. (I'll get into that and the idiocy behind it later.) Now, even if Brynn was the real antagonist she'd suck as one, but once again I'll get into that later. But Brynn isn't the antagonist. I know for a fact that some joker named Hadrian (lol, seriously? Hayden is cool, Adrian is cool, but Hadrian? Really?) is supposed to be the antagonist.



So...where the fuck is he?







Secondly, I SHOULD SEE SOME HINT OF A PLOT THAT I CARE ABOUT. Let me tell you the plot of what I read of the book so you can see for yourself...



1. Teagan wakes up and goes to school for ten pages.



2. Teagan is bullied by Brynn.



3. Teagan meets a hot guy.



4. Teagan falls in love with the hot guy.



5. Teagan goes on a date with the hot guy.



6. Teagan haz psychic dreamz!



This, yes all of this, for 100 pages. This is me:







I mean, really? WE WASTE 100 PAGES ON THIS? THAT'S ALMOST HALF OF THE BOOK. By now we should have had the inciting incident, the villain should have been introduced, the subplot should have been introduced, and you should be building to the midpoint of your story -- aka the false happiness. But what does Angel Star do?







I spent a good three to four days of my life reading this. THOSE ARE DAYS I CAN NEVER GET BACK.



2. Claire



Well, there isn't really much you can say about Claire...







Um, so maybe there is one thing you can say about her...







Perhaps there's something that makes her stand out from any other YA herione's best friend...







OH MY GOD I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!



YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH? HUH? DO YOU?



THE TRUTH IS THAT CLAIRE IS THE MOST SEXIST BITCH I'VE EVER, EVER SEEN IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE!



Teagan tries to tell us that Claire is a headstrong person and a wonderful best friend, but it is ALL LIES. Want me to show you? Want me to give you a peek into the book at the sheer fuckery that is Claire? Okay...hold on to your hats!



"



Claire smiled as she flicked my arm with her finger. She stared me up and down for a few seconds then said in a serious voice, “You need a boyfriend.”



I stuck out my jaw and sighed. Like that was going to happen anytime soon.



“You know, someone to save you from the evil witch who walks these halls.” Claire’s gaze drifted out into the traffic of students.



"



Let it sink it. Let is melt in. Reallyyy think about that for a while. You done? Okay.



Here are some of my thoughts on it:











Okay, WHAT? WHAT? Okay Claire, are we cavemen now? Are we in the fucking dark ages? Is "U NED MENZ 2 PRTECT U" really something you can even think without recoiling in disgust from your own words?



Let me tell everyone just now the difference between a badass best friend and a punk ass bitch:



The badass will slap any idiot into next Tuesday who thinks it's a good idea to pick on her best friend.



The punk ass bitch will mildly snip to the idiot who thinks it's a good idea to pick on her best friend, and then she will tell her best friend to get a man to protect her.



We clear on that? Good :)



3. The Prose







Let me give you an example...



The tall boy stood in front of me, his features soft, yet chiseled, and I couldn’t help but notice the way the sunlight played with his sandy hair. The way it curled loosely around his face, capturing the specks of light that fell onto us from between the branches. But…his eyes. They were the warmest, most endless aqua —and inhumanly hypnotic. Suddenly, I couldn’t recall any sort of discomfort in my head, just a soothing warmth flowing within me, and the panic of the morning -- the taunting, the winged mirage in the hall—simply melted away at the sight of him.







Okay, what the hell. Is. That. I'm getting Twilight flashbacks. Here's a game! Re-read that whole passage three times without stopping for air! Then again...please don't! We don't want poor little ol' Sev to get sued by your family and friends once you go into a Angel Star induced coma, now would we?



Since the passage pretty much speaks for itself, I'll just say this : even ignoring the things such as...THE TENSE CONFUSION THROUGHOUT THE BOOK, Angel Star has some of the most horrific prose I've ever seen. I can't believe I was talking bad about Shiver's prose...ack...







I-I'm sorry...just give me a minute before we continue....



....



....



Okay...I think I can move on now...



4. Brynn







She is a fail in every sense of the word.



Her entire purpose is to be a bully so we feel sorry for Teagan! Well, it didn't work. I just didn't care.



Brynn has no motivation for her actions, no personality besides "bitchy" and no depth. Seriously, I don't even know what the author was trying to do with her.



Ick. Even typing her name makes my skin go all slimy.



5-6. Gareth and Gareth&Teagan's Epic True Love







Oh my god, I don't think there has ever been a more boring person and couple in the history of the universe.



Gareth is nothing but a hot boy! He has no personality what so ever. My god, I was crying at the screen to make it stop. It's sort of obvious why Teagan is in "love" with him, but why is he in love with her? THERE IS NO REASON WHATSOEVER. He's just there to be her perfect boyfriend! She even admits she has no idea why he's interested in her!



Don't even get me started on their relationship. Well, okay, you want to know what it's like? Do you want to know? Look here:



Teagan(thinking): Oh my God. Hot boy. He is so hot.



Gareth: *talking about something*



Teagan: Huh? Oh. Hi.



Gareth: lol, *says something "dazzling"*



Teagan: *swoons*



Gareth: Can I randomly ask you out on a date even when we've only known each other for a hour and a half?



Teagan: I'm so desperate and you're so hot...



Gareth: What?



Teagan: I mean yes! *giggle*



Gareth: Bye!



Teagan: *swoons*



*later*



Teagan: The hot boy! I mean, Gareth! Hi!



Gareth: Let's go on that date!



Teagan: *swoons*



*at coffee shop*



Teagan: *swoons*



Gareth: *talking abo



Me:



ACK, IT'S JUST SO BORING! I'm falling a sleep simply transcripting their conversations!



7-10. EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT THIS ATROCIOUS BOOK!



In Conclusion



Dear Angel Star,







Fuck you, fuck your mother, your father, your brothers and sisters, cousins, uncles and aunts, grandparents, great grandparents and all of your friends.



Love,

Sev :)



Now time for plagiarizing Kira's reviews...

Bonus Time!



Let's play a guessing game!



Would I rather...!



Would I rather...

A. Make faces at myself in the mirror for 10 minutes...

Or...

B. Re-read Angel Star



Would I rather...

A. Drink a warm glass of Pine-Sol...

Or...

B. Re-read Angel Star



Would I rather...

A. Eat my own liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti...

Or...

B. Re-read Angel Star



Think carefully now, darlings, and then tell me your answers in the comments :)





cross posted from goodreads here