Almost Perfect review

Almost Perfect by Brian Katcher

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


So a few months ago I wrote an Almost Perfect review. It was really long, really confusing and the worst part: really, really fucking boring. So after careful consideration I've decided to re-write it. So let's get this party started!







First -- Logan.



Logan is our narrator. Logan is a jock.



Logan is also a fucking prick.







In fact, if it wasn't for Logan I may have given this book four stars. If you had been watching my Goodreads ratings a few months ago you would see that I did, at least for a little while. But then I remembered Logan.



For god's sake the entire premise of the fucking story is Logan acting like a prick. And I know this. But yet I am still surprised with how much of a prick he really was. His prickness went sort of in a cycle, like this:



1. Logan pursues Sage.



2. Sage tries to tell Logan that he probably doesn't want her.



3. Logan pursues Sage anyway...



4. Sage gives in and Logan finds out (or remembers) that she's really a boy and freaks out. (Logan's thought process: "OMG IF SAGE IZ A BOY THAT MAKES ME A FAAAAGGGGG!! NOOOO!" -- I told you he's a prick.)



5. Sage's heart gets broken.



6. Sage and Logan make up and decide to just be friends.



AAAAAND REPEAT.







He just keeps doing that. Treating Sage that way. And it fucking bothers me.



Sure, one could say I'm being judgmental. One could say that Logan was just lost, just confused, just hurt like Sage was. One could say that if it was me in Logan's position I would act the same way.



And I could say that the person saying those things is wrong. I don't give a fuck how "confused" or "lost" you are. If you are a fucking prick you are a fucking prick and you should not get away with it. And no, unlike Logan, my momma raised me so I actually don't make a habit of treating people like crap.



And it isn't like Logan's just shocked. He gets outright angry at Sage. From what I remember, he even punches her in the face. He throws her Christmas present back at her feet. He makes her fucking miserable. I can not sympathize with someone like that.



I could not stand being in Logan's head. I wanted to rip my hair out every time he made cries of "IT WAS A TRAAAAPPPPPP! SAGE'S REALLY A NASTY HAIRY MAN AND HE MADE ME A FAAAGGGG! I'M A HOMO! A GAY! OH NO! MY LIFE IS OVER, MY LIFE IS OVER HELP ME MOMMY!" If you had been there while I was reading the book you would have seen me gripping a pen tightly between my fingers. I wasn't quite sure what I would do with this pen at the time, scribble over the pages to black out Logan's stupidity or stab my own fucking eyeballs out.



Don't even get me started on how he treats his other male friends. Seriously, is this guy a fucking sociopath? DOES HE HAVE ANY REMOTE FEELINGS FOR OTHER HUMAN BEINGS WHAT SO EVER?



(I'm sorry, sociopaths reading this. That was wrong. I shouldn't have compared you to Logan.)



...*deep breath*



As you can see, I don't like Logan. *chuckles*



Well, let's move on before I go into another rant.



So. Sage.



Hm. I like her. In fact, she's the only reason I read the book to end (well it sure as fuck wasn't Logan). You see...she's actually a character you can sympathize with. Well, mostly.



The only thing I found fault with was how easily she was willing to kill herself because she couldn't get her way. Well, that was a terrible way of wording it, wasn't it? It's not like she's just a spoiled child. I mean, this is her gender we're talking about here. But that's not what I mean.



Sage's sister, Tamara. Right? I can't exactly remember her name right now. Regardless, her sister. Her sister loves her, has stuck up for her when her parents were being dicks and has supported her for her entire life. And Sage is so willing to take her own life without a single thought of Tamara. I...can't. Because it isn't like her train of thought is "She'll be much better without me" like other people who commit suicide despite their loved ones. She just...forgets about Tamara. And that's not very cool.



(Of course, we could say that Logan fucked Sage up so badly that she just didn't even give a fuck anymore.)



(What? Imagine if you move to a town. Your closet friend who you have a crush on does what Logan did. Tell me, go on, tell me that wouldn't mess with your psyche, even a little bit.)



(My Jesus. I fucking hate Logan.)



Let's move on again...



I think this novel would have been better from Sage's perspective. Despite her slight selfishness, like every human has, she surely is the one we sympathize with. And she's the one we side with. And she's the one we actually care about. I don't give a fuck about Logan. I want to know about Sage.



But before this goes into another rant about Logan...



Katcher's writing is good, really. It kept me intrigued, it was easy to read, I liked it. The one thing that ruined this book for me was...wait, you guess.



That's right.



LOGAN.



Hell, if Logan wasn't the narrator I may have even given this book five stars just because he wasn't the narrator. That's how much I hate him. *seethes*



Well, anyway, the copy I got was a library hardback, thank goodness. If I had bought it I don't know how angry I'd be. I'd probably throw a little fit, a tantrum like a baby. But that's not to say I would not recommend the book. That's not the point of this review. However, I would recommend you find a way to read it for free before you buy it. Honestly, paying twenty dollars for this would have made me very angry. Twenty dollars can buy like six boxes of that healthy Panda brand licorice. And I'd get much more enjoyment out of eating that than reading about Logan.



But hey, that's just me. Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't. And if you don't you can always come back to this review in the comments section to rant about Logan with me!

My review of Hades

Hades by Alexandra Adornetto

My rating: 1 of 5 stars


Before reading Hades



How can you trick someone into getting on a motorcycle? Either they get on, or they don't get on. Motorcycles aren't like cars. And what does angel Bethany want with a motorcycle anyway? SHE CAN FLY. Or, I'm assuming she can. Who knows, maybe Halo angels are just so lame they can't even use their wings to fly. *shudders from pure lameness*



Perhaps the conversation went something like this:



Jake: Hey Bethany. Why don't you get in my van on my motorcycle? I'll give you a lift...

Bethany: No wayz.

Jake: I have...teh ice cream! And kitties!

Bethany: OOOOHHHH KITTIES! *hops on*

Jake: MUAHAHA SILLY GIRL THERE ARE NO KITTIES

Bethany: NOOOOO I HAZ BEEN TRICKED!

Jake: MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAA



Now that would make a lot of sense.



10/11



I AM GOING TO DO IT.



I'm going to rip this to shreds with my razor teeth! It sounds so bad I cannot resist.



After reading Hades





Warning: There will be heaps of Allie-bashing, lots of cap rage, Hades-bashing, swearing, and SWEARING, and DID I MENTION SWEARING?!



Glossary: Because I won't explain who all of the characters are inbetween my rage outs.



Bethie: The main character.



Xavier: Her boring ass boyfriend.



Jake Thorn: The Prince of Hell































......fuck....





.....FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK.....









You notice how light and joking I was in my pre-review? Notice how I was poking fun at Bethie, notice how I was...happy....?



I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME WAY AGAIN.









I had originally planned on writing a nice, coherent, numerical list of this book's fails but THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. I WOULD BE HERE ALL FREAKING DAY.



So, I will rant on random things.



Firstly,





ADORNETTO NEEDS TO SHUT. THE FUCK. UP.









Not a single freaking page goes by without this neurotic, raging bitch (insult courtesy of Hana Joy :D) preaching to us about something or the other. IT'S DISGUSTING. Here are a few examples of Allie dearest reaching her nasty author hand through the pages:



1. Her version of Hell



The way she describes the inhabitants of hell. Miniskirts, piercings, chains, black nail polish -- generally goth. We all know how Christian and conservative Allie dearest is, so it's obvious why she would choose to condemn these things -- they just don't fit in with her idea of what's "moral" and "perfect".



2. Her lectures on sex



While reading that entire part I was essentially doing this:







I WANTED TO STAB MY EYES OUT WITH A FUCKING PEN.



In Kira's review, which is much, much better than this one and you should in fact read it NOW she says "Bethany is viciously devoid of conscience. You'd think she'd be "all soul", as Xavier once said (BARF) but in fact she's completely devoid of any kind of compassion. She lets Jake bleed to death and die before her, she leaves her friends to rot in Hell (literally), and she says, and I quote, "The purpose of sex is to create life."



Oh, really? You want me to go there? Seriously?



FUCK THIS MOTHERFUCKING SHIT YOU BIG PIECE OF FESTERING MONKEY VOMIT.



This is a disgraceful thing to write. Who the fuck green-lighted this shit? Someone needs to be fired for this. I'm not even kidding.



About two weeks ago, a teenager who featured on Youtube as a strong advocate of the It Gets Better campaign killed himself. He had been so viciously bullied and isolated because of his sexuality that he chose to end his own life. He was so utterly crushed by misery, shame and loneliness that he committed suicide. He was little more than a child.



This comment advertising sex as a way to procreate and nothing more is a violation of so many people's beliefs and lifestyles, and is a complete disgrace in every sense of the word. Not only does it completely exclude homosexuality and indirectly condemn it, but it also reverts back to this fabricated idea of "virginity". Basically, it is a vicious way to shame and attack gay and lesbian peoples for the way that they choose to express perfectly natural attraction to the people they romantically love and/or date. Homosexuality is in no way wrong, it is in no way unnatural, and condemning it borders on a violation of human rights. Quebec had it down when they said, "The state has no place in the bedrooms of the nation."



Amen, sista's. "



That was a rather long quote, I know, but it all needed to be there because I don't know any other way to express my annoyance. Sure, I had read Kira's review before throwing myself into the pit of shit and vomit that is alternatively known as Hades, but reading the quote in context provided with everything else makes me want to hurt myself.



IT'S JUST SO TERRIBLE.



That, that doesn't even count the heaps of other sex lecturing. JAKE EVEN REFERS TO BETHIES "VIRGINITY" AS HER "VIRTUE". It's fucking disgusting how obsessed Allie is with this.



SHE PUTS A SHAME TO ALL TEENAGERS EVERYWHERE. (She is a teenager still, right? I don't know and I don't give a fuck. SHE PUTS A SHAME TO EVERYONE CONSIDERED NOT AN ADULT YET EVERYWHERE.)



In short, if I ever met Allie in real life and caught her trying to give anyone a fucking lecture on fucking ANYTHING, I'd do this:







And this:







And this:







Gross little bitch...



What else did I want to rant about?





Oh ya. BETHIE DEAREST.



Bethany is so stupid. So yeah, I have an ebook copy of this utter vomit and shit, right? That's bad, very bad, because as long as we're in Bethie's head every few sentences I have the urge to throw the book against the wall with a satisfying thud. BUT IT'S AN EBOOK COPY. So I would end up doing this:







Which would suck, seeing as how I only gots one computer, yeah.



Her stupidity was SO OFFENSIVE that it made me literally burst out into tears.







Well...maybe not literally -- BUT I WAS FUCKING CLOSE.



And the worst part, because Bethie is Adornetto's self insert (anyone try to argue with me over this in the comments and I will cuss you the fuck out, just so you know) WE GET DOUBLE THE PREACHING. So while Adornetto is using her author powers to preach through the story, BETHIE IS FUCKING PREACHING IN THE STORY.







IT MADE ME WANT TO THROW THINGS.



Not to mention that Bethie is A FUCKING MARY SUE.



Even when she goes to Hell, EVEN IN HELL THEY LIKE HER. EVERYBODY LIKES HER. THE PRINCE OF THE FUCKING HELL WANTS HER. IS THERE ONE PERSON THAT DOESN'T LIKE BETHANY WHO ISN'T DEMONIZED?!?!?!?! AND WE WILL FUCKING TALK ABOUT ASIA LATER.



FUCK THAT. WE'LL TALK ABOUT HER RIGHT NOW BEFORE I FUCKING FORGET OR SOMETHING WITH MY GOLDFISH BRAIN, BECAUSE READING HADES HAS FUCKING BRAIN DAMAGED ME WITH IT'S TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE AWFULNESS AND I CAN BARELY REMEMBER MY FUCKING NAME ANYMORE BECAUSE IT IS JUST THAT BAD.



FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK THIISSSSSSS BOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEHHHHHHAAAAAAAAOOOOUUUUSSSSSHHOIFWIAIOFNWA





So, to talk about Asia.



Asia is Jake's bitch, basically. Also, from what I remember she is one of the only minorities in the book, if not the only minority, someone can correct me on this if they want.



How is she portrayed?



Well, even though she's supposed to be a snide, evil bitch (and slut?) I actually quite liked her. She acknowledged Bethany as the stupid, disgusting, waste of space she was, see this quote: I gave the woman a closer look and remembered her instantly as the tattooed barmaid from Pride. It would have been hard to forget the annihilating look she’d given me then. She gave me a fleeting glance this time as if my presence were too immaterial to take up any more of her time. I agree with her. Bethany doesn't deserve anyone's time. She's a gross, nasty, hideous waste of space and she should be burned on the stake, cut in half, erased from this universe forever and ever. AMEN.



Also, Asia gets jealous that Jake likes Bethany more than her. IT'S A VALID COMPLAINT. So you're the head bitch of hell with your psuedo boyfriend, and then some sniveling preachy brat shows up and snatches your honey's attention. Oh, yeah, tell me you wouldn't be bitter. There's also the added fact THAT THEY ARE ALL FUCKING DEMONS SO DUHHHH.



But we're supposed to see Asia as a jealous, evil, bitch. That's great. That's just fucking fantastic. Way to go Allie dear. But you wanna know something? I'd rather be represented by an Asia FIVE THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES OVER than be represented by a Bethie, which is the worse fucking insult ever, in the history of time and space, the worst thing in the whole world ever to exist AMEN.



Anything else?



Well, there's Xavier. He annoys the shit out of me. And Jake is an asshole, as well as a rapist, but once again he's a demon so you know. That's rather accurate for Jake.



Oh! How could I forget?



Xavier and Bethie's relationship.



THAT IS THE MOST...I DON'T EVEN HAVE WORDS FOR IT. It is co-dependent, unhealthy, obsessive, weird, and just NO. NO JUST NO.



How can you write something like this and portray it as being positive? HOW? HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY PORTRAY THIS AS NORMAL, EVEN A GOOD THING? Another reason why I want to punch Allie in the face, or at least strap her into a chair and viciously re-educate her.



PLEASE GOD. IF YOU DO EXIST, WHICH I DON'T REALLY THINK YOU DO BUT IF YOU DO, PLEASE, DO NOT ALLOW ALEXANDRA ADORNETTO TO PROCREATE UNTIL SHE GAINS AT LEAST AN OUNCE OF FUCKING COMMON SENSE. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE.



Amen.



Here are some examples of how co-dependent and fucked up Xavier and Allie I MEAN BETHIE'S relationship is:



I kept one of Xavier’s Tshirts, dowsed in his cologne, under my pillow so that every night I could imagine he was with me. It was funny how the goofiest behavior could feel perfectly natural when you were in love.



“Okay, don’t take the quiz,” Hallie cut in. “Just answer a few questions, okay?” “Shoot,” I said. “What’s your favorite football team?” “Dallas Cowboys,” I said without hesitation. “And why’s that?” Hallie asked. “Because it’s Xavier’s favorite team.”



“He’s coming over to make barbecue ribs.” “Since when do you like ribs?” The girls raised their eyebrows. “Xavier likes them.”



I was willing to pardon any crime, but one against Xavier, and so help me, God, Jake would get his comeuppance.



Every fiber in my body yearned to return to Xavier. My one true love. The light of my life. (..) My pain was so all consuming that I hardly cared where Jake was taking me to or what horrors awaited.



Had enough? I think so. I know if I type anymore about this shit I will vomit all over my computer, shorting it out. If I do vomit over my computer from Hades induced sickness I WILL sue Adornetto for enough money to get a new one, I swear it.



Is there something else?



Oh yeah!



I DON'T CARE.



The book was so boring, so annoying, so rage inducing, it was so terrible. I WANTED TO DIE.



Top Causes of Death:

Heart disease

Cancer

Stroke

Chronic lower respiratory diseases

Accidents

Alzheimer's disease

Diabetes

Influenza and Pneumonia

Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome, and nephrosis

Septicemia

Hades by Alexandra Adornetto







It's the truth, people.





Oh, and there's one more thing I wanted to mention...



One more thing...



What was it...



That...thing about....



Wait...



It's on the tip of my tongue....



OH!



I remember now!



It was...



THAT GODDAMN FUCKING SHIT VOMIT CREATURE HELL ANGER RAGE RAGE RAGE CAPSLOCK DOLPHIN FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCKING TITLE!



Many fanidiots have gotten upset about people constantly pointing out that Hades =/= Hell. They say Adornetto can call her books anything she wants. They say Adornetto can do anything she wants. They say that people who point out Hades =/= Hell, lovers of Greek Mythology who hate to see this mixed up, people with general common sense, they say that they need to shut up and worship Allie like they do.



To that I say this:



FUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU PPPPPPEEEEEEEOOOOOOOPPPPPPLLEEEEEEEEEAAAAHHHHUAISUFNIOSNAOSIPG





Guess what? Guess what? I added this section just because of you, you blithering bleeding dolts! So here I will say it:



HADES IS NOT HELL. HADES IS GREEK MYTHOLOGY FOR THE AFTERLIFE, NOT HELL, NOT EVIL, NOT PAINFUL, JUST THE WHOLE AFTERLIFE. HELL IS CHRISTIAN MYTHOLOGY FOR AN ACTUAL PLACE OF ETERNAL SUFFERING, BAD, PAINFUL, ALL THAT CRAP. YOU CAN NOT MIX THEM UP OR SUBSTITUTE ONE FOR THE OTHER BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING, THEY DO NOT MEAN THE SAME THING, AND THEY WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER MEAN THE SAME THING!!



AND FUCK ANYONE ELSE THAT THINKS OTHERWISE. DO A WIKIPEDIA SEARCH YOU JACKASSES.



Wow. That got really aggressive at the end there, actually. (Well this whole review has actually been really aggressive. GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT?)



Sure, Allie has the right to write whatever she wants, AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FUCKING RIDICULE AND BELITTLE HER FOR IT. BAHAHAHAHAHA.



That is the end of my review.











AND NOW FOR A RANDOM TOKKA GIF.



Because I can and I feel like it.







HAH.



WARNING: TROLL MY REVIEW AND I AM FULLY PREPARED TO AND WILL TROLL YOU THE FUCK BACK. SO BE FOREWARNED, ASSHOLES OF THE INTERNET. YOU HAZ BEEN WARNED.





Note: Everyone that reads this review should rate Hades 1 star, don't care if you have read the book or not, the rating on this pile of shit and vomit is too fucking high and we as human beings need to do something about this.



If you want to you can even read the book to write a bad review of it, which I encourage, this needs as many bad reviews as it can get, seriously. But do not buy the book, Jesus Fucking Christ do not buy the book please. Pirate this thing. Do not waste your money. Do not waste your hard earned dollars on this creature, please, for the life of me, DO NOT.



(Yes I am bitter and angry about Hades and I will continue to be bitter and angry about Hades FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. AMEN.)

My review of And The Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity

And the Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity by Dannah Gresh

My rating: 1 of 5 stars


Warning: I will be making fun of myself, Jesus, God, and Satan. Oh, and also, this book. Beware.



Warning Warning: If after reading this review you feel the need to tell me I'm A)going to go to hell, B)am mocking god or Jesus and therefore I will go to hell, C)something really bad will happen to me or D)I simply don't understand because I haven't yet accepted Jesus as my savior than save it. I've heard it before and I just don't care. Amen.



This is for the pure lulz. You're continuing reading at your own risk and by commenting in such a way you leave yourself open for me to totally pawn you. Sorry, that's just the way these things play out *Kanye shrug*





Me: Hey God. Wazzup.



God: Um...hey Sev.



Me: How do you know my name?



God: You're wearing it on a nametag.



Me: *checks nametag* Oh. Ya. Well, I wanted to have a little chat with you.



God: How did you even get in here?



Me: I didn't pick the locks to the gate or anything...heheheheh...



God: O_o



Me: Anywayz, so let's talk.



God: Sure thing. What about?



Me: This book, And the Bride Wore White--



God: Seven secrets to sexual purity, amirite?



Me: Yeah...you're right. So.



God: So.



Me: So.



God: So.



Me: So...do you really believe in all that crap?



God: Crap? Why does it have to be crap?



Me: Well, maybe I'd take the book seriously if it was telling all teens they should remain sexually abstinent until marriage. But no, only the women have to remain "pure". What the hell is up with the "pure" bullshit anyway? Does any woman who has sex before marriage become dirty or something?



God: Don't look at me, I didn't write the book :/



Me: Well it was you that drove the silly bitch to write this bullshit!



God: Don't put this on me. I have enough on my head anyway.



*Jesus enters*



Jesus: Hey dad. Hey Sev.



God: 'morning Jesus.



Me: Hi...how do you know my name?



Jesus: *points to nametag*



Me: *looks down at nametag* Oh ya.



Jesus: *rolls eyes*



Me: Um...so--



Jesus: So what's up, dad?



God: Oh, Sev was asking me about that cra--I mean, book, And The Bride Wore White.



Jesus: I really wish people would stop writing those kinds of books.



Me: So you don't agree with it either?



Jesus: *starts eating Granola and ignores me*



Me: What's your problem?!



God: You say "Jesus H. Christ" all of the time and it annoys him.



Me: What? Why?



Jesus: I hate my middle name. I wish people would stop using it.



Me: Oh...well, sorry. Um, what does it stand for, anyway?



Jesus: ....Harold. Jesus Harold Christ. Can you believe it? I don't know what kind of drugs that woman was on when she named me.



God: Jesus! Don't talk about your mother that way.



Jesus: Yes, dad.



Me: O_o'



Jesus: What did you want again?



Me: So, um, how do you guys feel about waiting....



Jesus: Waiting for what?



Me: Uh...you know...



Jesus: No, not really.



Me: That...thing...it...?



Jesus: *blank stare*



Me: (to God) You haven't given Jesus The Talk yet?!



God: We just haven't gotten around to it...



Jesus: What talk?



Me: *facepalms*



God: Well, um, son, you see, when two people love each other, they, um...



Me: STOP JUST STOP.



Jesus: What? What is it?



Me: You can talk about this later! (To God) So what do you think about it?



God: Honestly, I don't give a f--I mean, care.



Me: Really?



God: Seriously, yeah. Wait or don't wait -- who am I to judge?



Me: Well, you are God.



God: Oh ya. Well in that case...here's my judgement; DON'T JUDGE OTHERS SO EASILY!



Me: So even if in the future I don't decide to wait, if there is a Hell, I won't go just because of that?



God: Sure. You're welcome to chill with me anytime :)



Me: You know what, you're pretty wise for an old white guy who refuses to shave. *reaches for Jesus's granola* Can I have some of that?



Jesus: No way.



Me: Please?



Jesus: Fine.



And on that day, God said that no you won't go to Hell just because you may or may not wait to have sex, Sev was welcomed to the pearly gates anytime and Jesus shared his granola.



Jesus loves the granolas. All the little granolas in the world.



View all my reviews

my review of Trish and Izzie

Tris & Izzie by Mette Ivie Harrison

My rating: 1 of 5 stars


How can you be appalled at a book by just reading over someone's shoulder? If the plot doesn't sound stupid enough, the writing matches. It's been said that this reeks of fictionpress, but I've seen more intriguing storylines and prose on fanfictionnet.



I feel the author's pain, though. I get nostalgic when I look at this book. It's like what I used to write.



When I was nine, mind you.



View all my reviews

my pre-review of Modelland

Modelland by Tyra Banks






If you remember, I believe I used the same for my to-read pre-review of City of Ashes. And we all know how much I liked that book. And how many status updates I trolled my friends with.

my review of The Ghost and the Goth

The Ghost and the Goth by Stacey Kade

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


My review!~



Okay, let's start with the prose. It's cute. Alona's voice is the stereotypical cheerleading egghead voice. Well, Alona IS the stereotypical cheeerleading egghead...but still. I thought the book would take a much more serious tone, but, it didn't. Alona is very humorous, but her humorousness can get very annoying at times. For a long while, you want to tell her, "Lady you are DEAD, will you GROW UP?!" Unforgivably, she doesn't actually get a clue to grow up until more than halfway through the novel. Yes, she dies at the very beginning.



Alona is a pretty little idiot. By this I mean she's supposed to be gorgeous, she's short, and she's a blithering idiot. The only thing you can say for her is that she'll stick up for herself. So, that's good. She won't let people walk all over her. She's strong willed. She's...wait a minute, those are all synonyms. Oh.



Will's prose, on the other hand...(yes, this book is dually narrated)



Will is boring, plain and simple. No, no, WILL isn't boring. His character is very interesting, with his history and his family and all that, but he himself is boring. Reading him from Alona's POV wasn't that bad, but his actual narration was tortuous. No offense, but I expected more from him. At the beginning, he was pretty good. But towards the middle he began to drag, and towards the end he just got worse.



Will is a iron woobie (TV Tropes for reference). Bad after bad after bad keeps happening to him, from that principal to his father to his doctor, to, well, everything. It gets annoying after a while. Especially when he keeps acting like such a limp noodle about it.



My major problem with the novel? The side characters.



Oh, if you thought the main characters were two dimensional (which they are, but in a good way), the side characters are all cardboard cutouts. No, they're worse than cardboard cutouts. They're like...awful. I can't think of one side character I liked outside of Joonie, if that was even her name. Will's friend? Yeah, she was cool. But as for the rest of them...no point. No point at all. They were all so boring.



If there's one thing I appreciate, though, it's that Will and Alona had actual chemistry. They were funny together. And pretty cute. I liked them, which is saying a lot. Their quasi-romance is really one of the things that saved this novel. She doesn't do any of that crap like forget to breath or get weak at the knees when she sees him. She regains her (little) personality when around him, and vice versa. We don't get any confessions of love halfway through either. It's called subtly. Something a lot of mainstream YA authors need to learn.



As for the plot, Plot A was Alona figuring out what happened to her. That was cool. Plot B? I don't even know what you would call Plot B. There were so many little things going on in the background, and I didn't care about a single one of them. Even that plot with Will's Ex-GF dying...and Joonie being a lesbian? Or it was something like that. I don't even remember that much, that's how little I cared.



The antagonists of the novel? Laughable. Alona doesn't even have a real antagonist, and Will's antagonist is the principal for Chrissakes. The cardboard cutout principal. The TSTL (too stupid to live, also TV Tropes) cardboard cutout principal.



I think that this novel still needed a good editor to look over it. It felt like one of my first drafts...that I wrote two years ago. Not to say that it was bad, but it just wasn't an amazing read. Better than 60% (if not 80%) of PNR right now, mind you, but that doesn't excuse it for it's flaws. Which, yeah, it had a lot of. Like everything else.

my review of Sh*t My Dad Says

Sh*t My Dad Says by Justin Halpern

My rating: 1 of 5 stars


How Not To Write A Book



Assume Your Audience



My audience is white, black, Hispanic, likes popcorn, pizza, blue, orange, they'll find this funny, they won't find this funny, etc etc. Never assume your audience. This book's first mistake was making a joke of which I found in particularly bad taste. I will not mention said joke here, because it isn't important. The only thing I'll say is that I did not find it funny, and it turned me away.



Never assume anything about your audience. If you're going to make a joke in bad taste, never make it about a person. The worst thing you can do is offhandedly pick on someone, and then expect people to laugh.



Especially since I hold a sort of respect for said person.



Moving on,



Let's Give You Fifty Tonics and Hope You'll Like One



Many tv shows have decided to do this now. Let's throw a bunch of jokes at the audience and hope that they'll laugh at all of them.



I laughed three or four times throughout this book. The rest of the way, I cringed in disgust. That is not a good thing.



Many of these jokes were extremely vulgar, which I expected from the title, but I did not expect for there to be around 1000 of them condensed into a novel.



I'm not a prudish person ( <--- LIES) but I do think that there is a certain level you can take the shock factor without being in bad taste. The shock wore off after a few pages, and then it just turned annoying as hell.


The Hate/Hate Relationship



There is something called a hate/love relationship. I did not have this with any characters in this book. The father is annoying, crass, moronic, over the top and not very fit to be a parent. Any kid he raises is bound to be an asshole, which comes to my second point: The narrator is an asshole. It's easy to understand how he got that way (with a dad like that, who wouldn't?) but that doesn't stop it from being annoying as hell. I couldn't really identify or sympathize with him at all.



And Concluding,



Maybe I shouldn't have picked up this book to begin with. After all, I don't like vulgar books. I like my books to be clean. This was anything but. The f-bomb was dropped almost as if it was in place of "and" and "at". I won't even get started on that too much, though.



Whatever the case, I did not enjoy this book. And I wouldn't recommend it to others, either. Or read it over. Or read anything else by the author.



This should have stayed a blog. I did not enjoy this book.



I tried.



For laughs check out the joker who tried to troll this review over at goodreads