My review of And The Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity

And the Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity by Dannah Gresh

My rating: 1 of 5 stars


Warning: I will be making fun of myself, Jesus, God, and Satan. Oh, and also, this book. Beware.



Warning Warning: If after reading this review you feel the need to tell me I'm A)going to go to hell, B)am mocking god or Jesus and therefore I will go to hell, C)something really bad will happen to me or D)I simply don't understand because I haven't yet accepted Jesus as my savior than save it. I've heard it before and I just don't care. Amen.



This is for the pure lulz. You're continuing reading at your own risk and by commenting in such a way you leave yourself open for me to totally pawn you. Sorry, that's just the way these things play out *Kanye shrug*





Me: Hey God. Wazzup.



God: Um...hey Sev.



Me: How do you know my name?



God: You're wearing it on a nametag.



Me: *checks nametag* Oh. Ya. Well, I wanted to have a little chat with you.



God: How did you even get in here?



Me: I didn't pick the locks to the gate or anything...heheheheh...



God: O_o



Me: Anywayz, so let's talk.



God: Sure thing. What about?



Me: This book, And the Bride Wore White--



God: Seven secrets to sexual purity, amirite?



Me: Yeah...you're right. So.



God: So.



Me: So.



God: So.



Me: So...do you really believe in all that crap?



God: Crap? Why does it have to be crap?



Me: Well, maybe I'd take the book seriously if it was telling all teens they should remain sexually abstinent until marriage. But no, only the women have to remain "pure". What the hell is up with the "pure" bullshit anyway? Does any woman who has sex before marriage become dirty or something?



God: Don't look at me, I didn't write the book :/



Me: Well it was you that drove the silly bitch to write this bullshit!



God: Don't put this on me. I have enough on my head anyway.



*Jesus enters*



Jesus: Hey dad. Hey Sev.



God: 'morning Jesus.



Me: Hi...how do you know my name?



Jesus: *points to nametag*



Me: *looks down at nametag* Oh ya.



Jesus: *rolls eyes*



Me: Um...so--



Jesus: So what's up, dad?



God: Oh, Sev was asking me about that cra--I mean, book, And The Bride Wore White.



Jesus: I really wish people would stop writing those kinds of books.



Me: So you don't agree with it either?



Jesus: *starts eating Granola and ignores me*



Me: What's your problem?!



God: You say "Jesus H. Christ" all of the time and it annoys him.



Me: What? Why?



Jesus: I hate my middle name. I wish people would stop using it.



Me: Oh...well, sorry. Um, what does it stand for, anyway?



Jesus: ....Harold. Jesus Harold Christ. Can you believe it? I don't know what kind of drugs that woman was on when she named me.



God: Jesus! Don't talk about your mother that way.



Jesus: Yes, dad.



Me: O_o'



Jesus: What did you want again?



Me: So, um, how do you guys feel about waiting....



Jesus: Waiting for what?



Me: Uh...you know...



Jesus: No, not really.



Me: That...thing...it...?



Jesus: *blank stare*



Me: (to God) You haven't given Jesus The Talk yet?!



God: We just haven't gotten around to it...



Jesus: What talk?



Me: *facepalms*



God: Well, um, son, you see, when two people love each other, they, um...



Me: STOP JUST STOP.



Jesus: What? What is it?



Me: You can talk about this later! (To God) So what do you think about it?



God: Honestly, I don't give a f--I mean, care.



Me: Really?



God: Seriously, yeah. Wait or don't wait -- who am I to judge?



Me: Well, you are God.



God: Oh ya. Well in that case...here's my judgement; DON'T JUDGE OTHERS SO EASILY!



Me: So even if in the future I don't decide to wait, if there is a Hell, I won't go just because of that?



God: Sure. You're welcome to chill with me anytime :)



Me: You know what, you're pretty wise for an old white guy who refuses to shave. *reaches for Jesus's granola* Can I have some of that?



Jesus: No way.



Me: Please?



Jesus: Fine.



And on that day, God said that no you won't go to Hell just because you may or may not wait to have sex, Sev was welcomed to the pearly gates anytime and Jesus shared his granola.



Jesus loves the granolas. All the little granolas in the world.



View all my reviews

my review of Trish and Izzie

Tris & Izzie by Mette Ivie Harrison

My rating: 1 of 5 stars


How can you be appalled at a book by just reading over someone's shoulder? If the plot doesn't sound stupid enough, the writing matches. It's been said that this reeks of fictionpress, but I've seen more intriguing storylines and prose on fanfictionnet.



I feel the author's pain, though. I get nostalgic when I look at this book. It's like what I used to write.



When I was nine, mind you.



View all my reviews

my pre-review of Modelland

Modelland by Tyra Banks






If you remember, I believe I used the same for my to-read pre-review of City of Ashes. And we all know how much I liked that book. And how many status updates I trolled my friends with.

my review of The Ghost and the Goth

The Ghost and the Goth by Stacey Kade

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


My review!~



Okay, let's start with the prose. It's cute. Alona's voice is the stereotypical cheerleading egghead voice. Well, Alona IS the stereotypical cheeerleading egghead...but still. I thought the book would take a much more serious tone, but, it didn't. Alona is very humorous, but her humorousness can get very annoying at times. For a long while, you want to tell her, "Lady you are DEAD, will you GROW UP?!" Unforgivably, she doesn't actually get a clue to grow up until more than halfway through the novel. Yes, she dies at the very beginning.



Alona is a pretty little idiot. By this I mean she's supposed to be gorgeous, she's short, and she's a blithering idiot. The only thing you can say for her is that she'll stick up for herself. So, that's good. She won't let people walk all over her. She's strong willed. She's...wait a minute, those are all synonyms. Oh.



Will's prose, on the other hand...(yes, this book is dually narrated)



Will is boring, plain and simple. No, no, WILL isn't boring. His character is very interesting, with his history and his family and all that, but he himself is boring. Reading him from Alona's POV wasn't that bad, but his actual narration was tortuous. No offense, but I expected more from him. At the beginning, he was pretty good. But towards the middle he began to drag, and towards the end he just got worse.



Will is a iron woobie (TV Tropes for reference). Bad after bad after bad keeps happening to him, from that principal to his father to his doctor, to, well, everything. It gets annoying after a while. Especially when he keeps acting like such a limp noodle about it.



My major problem with the novel? The side characters.



Oh, if you thought the main characters were two dimensional (which they are, but in a good way), the side characters are all cardboard cutouts. No, they're worse than cardboard cutouts. They're like...awful. I can't think of one side character I liked outside of Joonie, if that was even her name. Will's friend? Yeah, she was cool. But as for the rest of them...no point. No point at all. They were all so boring.



If there's one thing I appreciate, though, it's that Will and Alona had actual chemistry. They were funny together. And pretty cute. I liked them, which is saying a lot. Their quasi-romance is really one of the things that saved this novel. She doesn't do any of that crap like forget to breath or get weak at the knees when she sees him. She regains her (little) personality when around him, and vice versa. We don't get any confessions of love halfway through either. It's called subtly. Something a lot of mainstream YA authors need to learn.



As for the plot, Plot A was Alona figuring out what happened to her. That was cool. Plot B? I don't even know what you would call Plot B. There were so many little things going on in the background, and I didn't care about a single one of them. Even that plot with Will's Ex-GF dying...and Joonie being a lesbian? Or it was something like that. I don't even remember that much, that's how little I cared.



The antagonists of the novel? Laughable. Alona doesn't even have a real antagonist, and Will's antagonist is the principal for Chrissakes. The cardboard cutout principal. The TSTL (too stupid to live, also TV Tropes) cardboard cutout principal.



I think that this novel still needed a good editor to look over it. It felt like one of my first drafts...that I wrote two years ago. Not to say that it was bad, but it just wasn't an amazing read. Better than 60% (if not 80%) of PNR right now, mind you, but that doesn't excuse it for it's flaws. Which, yeah, it had a lot of. Like everything else.

my review of Sh*t My Dad Says

Sh*t My Dad Says by Justin Halpern

My rating: 1 of 5 stars


How Not To Write A Book



Assume Your Audience



My audience is white, black, Hispanic, likes popcorn, pizza, blue, orange, they'll find this funny, they won't find this funny, etc etc. Never assume your audience. This book's first mistake was making a joke of which I found in particularly bad taste. I will not mention said joke here, because it isn't important. The only thing I'll say is that I did not find it funny, and it turned me away.



Never assume anything about your audience. If you're going to make a joke in bad taste, never make it about a person. The worst thing you can do is offhandedly pick on someone, and then expect people to laugh.



Especially since I hold a sort of respect for said person.



Moving on,



Let's Give You Fifty Tonics and Hope You'll Like One



Many tv shows have decided to do this now. Let's throw a bunch of jokes at the audience and hope that they'll laugh at all of them.



I laughed three or four times throughout this book. The rest of the way, I cringed in disgust. That is not a good thing.



Many of these jokes were extremely vulgar, which I expected from the title, but I did not expect for there to be around 1000 of them condensed into a novel.



I'm not a prudish person ( <--- LIES) but I do think that there is a certain level you can take the shock factor without being in bad taste. The shock wore off after a few pages, and then it just turned annoying as hell.


The Hate/Hate Relationship



There is something called a hate/love relationship. I did not have this with any characters in this book. The father is annoying, crass, moronic, over the top and not very fit to be a parent. Any kid he raises is bound to be an asshole, which comes to my second point: The narrator is an asshole. It's easy to understand how he got that way (with a dad like that, who wouldn't?) but that doesn't stop it from being annoying as hell. I couldn't really identify or sympathize with him at all.



And Concluding,



Maybe I shouldn't have picked up this book to begin with. After all, I don't like vulgar books. I like my books to be clean. This was anything but. The f-bomb was dropped almost as if it was in place of "and" and "at". I won't even get started on that too much, though.



Whatever the case, I did not enjoy this book. And I wouldn't recommend it to others, either. Or read it over. Or read anything else by the author.



This should have stayed a blog. I did not enjoy this book.



I tried.



For laughs check out the joker who tried to troll this review over at goodreads

my pre-review of Lemniscate (Angel Star 2)

Lemniscate by Jennifer Murgia




Continuation of the Would I Rather...! game from my review of the first book, Angel Star.

Would I rather...
A. Spend a year trapped in an asylum with the bitches from this thread...
Or...
B. Read Lemniscate.

Would I rather...
A. Be locked in a dark closet with Patch from Hush Hush...
Or...
B. Read Lemniscate.


Would I rather...
A. Be on the receiving end of one of Mello's grudges...
Or...
B. Read Lemniscate.

Would I rather...
A. Throw myself from the top of Mount Rushmore...
Or...
B. Read Lemniscate.

Think carefully about the answer, and then tell me what you think it is in the comments box below. Thanks for playing :)



View all my reviews

my pre-review of Hades (Halo 2)

Hades by Alexandra Adornetto




How can you trick someone into getting on a motorcycle? Either they get on, or they don't get on. Motorcycles aren't like cars. And what does angel Bethany want with a motorcycle anyway? SHE CAN FLY. Or, I'm assuming she can. Who knows, maybe Halo angels are just so lame they can't even use their wings to fly. *shudders from pure lameless*



Perhaps the conversation went something like this:



Jake: Hey Bethany. Why don't you get in my van on my motorcycle? I'll give you a lift...

Bethany: No wayz.

Jake: I have...teh ice cream! And kitties!

Bethany: OOOOHHHH KITTIES! *hops on*

Jake: MUAHAHA SILLY GIRL THERE ARE NO KITTIES

Bethany: NOOOOO I HAZ BEEN TRICKED!

Jake: MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAA



Now that would make a lot of sense.

my review of Death Note's last chapter

Don't you just hate Near? I know I do.
Death Note Special One Shot by Tsugumi Ohba

My rating: 1 of 5 stars


Five Reasons Why I Hate Near (and this chapter)



1. HE IS NOTHING BUT A BAD COPYCAT.



Really, am I the only one who noticed that Near was basically a really sad rip off of L? The half-hunching, the toys to replace the sweets, the panda eyes, the percentages...is there any sole trait this guy has that makes him stand out? I mean, Mello is an asshole, but at least he has his own assholish personality.



This guy is such a rip off, that we need to give him a Kira of his own just so he can imitate L in every possible way. Do we not get a break from this copycat? The only thing Near has is that he's such a brat, and isn't as cute as L can be.



Which brings me to my next point...



2. HE IS A PAINFUL AND ANNOYING KNOW IT ALL!



Is there one thing this brat doesn't already have figured out? I mean, geez, he seems to be one step ahead of everybody all of the time. At least with L, he was sometimes one step behind Light. There was an actual struggle there. With Near? What's even the point?



And god, if he's going to know everything, does he have to be such an irrevocable smartass about it all?



3. THE CONCLUSIONS HE COMES TO ARE STUPID, FOR A SUPPOSED KNOW IT ALL!



Oh yeahhh, Mello's going to stalk Halle because she's a woman and therefor weaker and smaller than the rest of us menz.



I have never, ever heard of such a stupid statement! He literally called Halle less competent than his men officers! How sucky is that? If it were any other woman, I can sense quitting. And maybe, if we're lucky, kicking.



Don't even get me started on his other "conclusions". Like that idiocy he spouts in front of the president of the US, which is supposedly suppose to show us how smart he is.



Or when he "wisely" states that he and Mello can surpass L together, but not alone. Bitch, please. As if anyone would want to work under you. I honestly can't blame Mello for wanting to get as far away from Near as possible. Of course, Near would claim they'd be "working together", but come on. It's obvious and very apparent which one of them would be in charge.



And even if this was a smart statement to make under the circumstances? HE DIDN'T SAY IT. Roger told them they should work together years ago, so how on earth does this become Near's sole realization? SIGHHHHH.



4. HIS PETER PAN COMPLEX



I don't know if it's just me, but those toys and the pajamas aren't cute. They're creepy.



This guy is what, twenty? And he is still playing with legos and transformers?! What is wrong with this dude? I mean, he literally sits on the floor and does this all of the time. I won't even go into the creepyness of those puppets.



There is a line at quirky and just plain strange.



5. HE WILL NEVER BE L



I don't know how I would feel about Light sitting in a swivel chair at the end, staring at a big L on a computer screen. I don't know how I would feel about Mello doing the same (only, of course, with chocolate in hand). But I know exactly how I feel about Near sitting on the floor next to the swivel chair, playing with a toy train set.



NO. JUST. NO.



How...why...how could you make him L? How could you? I mean, I know we had to continue the L legacy and all, but Near will NEVER be L, NEVER. And we even tried to say that he would be the next L. HOW? HOW?



Anyone but Near, please. Matsuda, even. Actually, Matsuda would be a kickass L. But just not Near. And you will NEVER EVER EVER make him L! EVER!



--



The point of this chapter was to cement the fact into the readers brains that "NEAR = L! <3".


Hence why we gave him his own Kira. Near was really supposed to be L 2.0, which I suppose is why we HAD to have Near take down Light in the end. But I can't stand it! I can't! Near =/= L! I'm sorry, but despite a few exceptions I am a 1st Generation purist. I can't stand the thought of Near taking over as L forever, with everybody suffering below him. What kind of sane adult would want to work under THAT?



I suppose this was just a rant on the ending which I had to get out. I have said it again and I will say it once more:



Near =/= L, and he never, ever, ever will, no matter what Ohba says.

my Boy Toy review

Boy Toy by Barry Lyga

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


This was probably one of the most disgusting books I've ever read. Keep in mind, I like Barry Lyga. The Astonishing Adventures of Fanboy and Goth Girl was really awesome. Goth Girl Rising wasn't my cup of tea, but I figured that bad weighed the good and all was well, still. But this? Just disgusting.

Not really in a bad way, either. Well, actually, yes, in a bad way. Okay, you're probably saying "Jesus Lady, you're reading a book about child molestation and you want bubblegum and flowers?", but that isn't what I mean. I know a topic like this is bound to be unsettling. I mean, it's disgusting in the way that Barry played it out.

The scenes are written as seduction scenes...never once does Josh feel fear or shock...okay he feels a lot of shock, but the "OH WOW! My smexy teach loves me!" shock, and not the "OH WOW! My smexy twenty year old teach is telling me she loves me and...wait...what just happened? I'm only twelve, am I really ready for sex? Why is she pushing this on me? What am I doing?" sort of shock. It's really disgusting how voyeuristic and fetishy these scenes were.

Josh has flashes. Flashes are were, in the middle of a page, we get something like this,

-(insert disturbing line
(insert VERY disturbing line)-

which is going to occur, I get that. After all, Josh is tramatized and all. But the WAY we get these scenes and HOW he reacts make me furious. It's like, we're hardly taking this seriously. Most of the action we get in flashbacks between him and Eve is supposed to be sexy, not horrifying. Personally, a twenty something getting it on with her twelve year old student is NOT a turn on for me. It shouldn't really be one for anyone, but if it is maybe you should seek help. That's why I really did not appreciate the over sexualizing of those scenes.

I get it, Josh is a twelve year old boy, and, apparently, twelve year old boys are always thinking about that. But that doesn't warrant what I just mentioned at all.

Also? Barry Lyga is a questionably misogynistic. All of his women are (to quote someone) "Wish Fulfillment of Male Fantasies" (WFMF for short). Michelle is just "hot". She's shown being literally obsessed with sex. Her and Zik are not particularly quiet about which base they get to, she's always wearing revealing clothes and either winking or smirking at someone who looks at her.

Rachel is just "cute". She's flat chested, wears jeans and baseball caps, has freckles, spits, curses, plays baseball, and is Josh's intended love interest.

Eve is "bad sexy". Well, I don't really need to describe her. She's type-A hot teacher, with added on child molestation.

Other than that? Well, we have his mother, but she's only in a subplot which I will state later. But other than her? No, we have no other major female character. We just have those three. Good sexy, cute, and bad sexy. They aren't real characters I really don't know anything about them. It's annoying. REALLY annoying.

Barry Lyga's not a woman-hater, but he just doesn't like building up his female characters very much. Short of Goth Girl from Fanboy and Gothgirl, I haven't read any female characters of his I've liked, and I even started to dislike Goth Girl after reading a whole novel from her POV.

Moving on, we have the incident with Rachel. It wasn't his fault, sure. He shouldn't trash himself so much over it, sure. But he did rip off her underwear, and he did plan on going that far with her like "Eve taught him". It really disgusted me that not only did Rachel say she "would have gone that far if [he'd] gone about it differently", but also that she had been wanting to date him directly afterwards! I don't know about you, [you the reader, yes, but not directly "you"], but I would not be running after a guy after having my underwear ripped off in a closet, when it was only Seven Minutes in heaven. You do not have sex in that game, you kiss, if I am not mistaken.

My point? Josh was out of line, and he should not have been encouraged and even pushed forward to that behavior even if Eve was messing around with him. He needs to know that that is NOT okay. Granted, he did know during the events of the book, but still -- I doubt anybody in Rachel's position would act the way she did, which leads back to the WFMF.

Moving on (again), we have the baseball terminology. Now I know it's a book about baseball, but Barry Lyga assumes anyone that picks it up will be a baseball fan. More than half of everything that came out of that kid's mouth about baseball went right up over my head. I know nothing about baseball. The average person will probably know a little more than me, but certainly not even half as much as what Josh was talking about. I was so confused, I was confused about how much I was confused. It was pathetic and sad. If you're going to make something like a sport a main focus of your work, you need to explain what you're talking about, I mean at least enough so someone can know something about what's going on. That's just common courtesy.

Lastly, the thing that probably pissed me off the most about this whole goshdarned book, Josh's mother's subplot.

Josh's mother is an idiot. I mean, she leaves Josh with Eve TIME AND TIME AND TIME again, hours at a time, week after week after month after month without so much as questioning what the hell she wants so badly with a twelve year old boy all of the goddamned time, and this goes on for months for chrissakes. She does all of this because she wants to keep a job she apparently wants. She is an idiot, I repeat. But still, quote time:

"I love her, Mom." I said it quietly, with all the seriousness I could muster. It was the biggest, most important thing I'd ever said in my entire life.

And mom laughed.

It wasn't an amused laugh. It wasn't the sort of laugh you'd hear at the movies or in front of the TV or during a family reunion. It was harsh, hard-edged, more a snort than actual laughter.

"Don't be stupid," she said with contempt. That contempt shocked me -- my mom had been angry at me in the past, but never hateful. "You're a child. You don't know what it means to be in love."

Considering he is talking about being in love with Eve, you can really, honestly see her perspective here. She is saying that he is a child. She is saying that he can't know what it means to be in love, especially considering that he's claiming to love a woman that manipulated him into thinking he was in love with her. But later, guess what we find out?

Oh yeah, she was really full of shit and cheating on Josh's dad the whole time, so not only is her opinion considered invalid by Josh, although he really DIDN'T love Eve, but we're also supposed to consider her a two faced bitch. I don't think so.

Another point about his mother? Why can't she have a job AND take care of her kid? Of course, she needs to leave all that working and stuff to her MAHN, and she needs to stop worrying about actually having a job. She needs to be home and just do the laundry and make dinner. I don't appreciate that. I don't appreciate that at all.

I think that the whole situation with Eve was wrapped up and even played out horribly. It was frankly, revolting to me. He never really did get that he wasn't in love with Eve. He just got that it wasn't his fault, which is okay and all, but for the love of God can't we have it both ways?

Considering that my novel (does not focus on, but) does feature such manipulation (but not in THAT way, and for petes sake we are NOT getting such indepth and mortifying descriptions, and Jesus it is NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SEXY!) it is good that I read this book -- if not to learn to write like it, to take an example for what is good and not good and to help me. Also, since this is one of the only books of it's subject matter around, I'm grateful it was written, but I wish it was less...well, everything I mentioned above.

I hope I'm not being too judgmental or bias, but that's how I felt.

(Also, did it have to be so...descriptive? I'm sure we could have lost at least half of the Eve/Josh Sexytime scenes. That was truly horrifying.)

my The Marbury Lens review

The Marbury Lens by Andrew Smith

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


Short version: This, this, and also, this.



Long version:



Okay, contrary to popular belief, this book isn't very graphic. Personally, I've been scarred worse that time I accidentally came across some Richie Foley/Virgil Hawkins fanart. Or that time I decided I wanted to know what a manikini was...(FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T GOOGLE THAT!)



Moving on, yeah, I thought that it was going to be terrible and horrible. I expected to run screaming away in pure horror. In reality, The Marbury Lens is, in all actuality, less graphic than any other YA book I can think of, or even The Color Purple which is a book most people have to read for school.



Maybe this is because I have a thick skin. I don't know. But I do know I wasn't impressed. Sure, sure, you're probably thinking "She's got to be shitting me. THE MAIN CHARACTER IS KIDNAPPED, ALMOST RAPED TWICE AND SHE ISN'T PHASED? Yep, sociopath." But I'm not a sociopath. Really. It's just that it isn't as bad as people say.



As for the book itself, the whole thing was a big fat MEH. Basically, it's sort of like Narnia only you have these goggles instead of a wardrobe. Also, for every person in what I'll call the real world, there is a counterpart to them in Marbury land, which is the place you see once you put on the glasses.



Another thing, apparently the glasses are really addictive, so you don't want to come back to the real world. Well, you do, but you want to go back to Marbury land after you come back to the real world. It's really confusing. If you think you're confused right now, imagine how I felt reading the thing.



To be frank, I just didn't care. Marbury land was boring to me. I just skimmed and ended up skipping the chapters with Marbury in it, and that ended up with me putting down the book. How can the fantasy world your book is about be so goddamn boring? I don't understand that.



I did like Jack, though. Poor kid was a target for danger. First, in the beginning of the book, he wanders away from an underage drinking party and gets kidnapped and nearly raped. Then, while on the plane to England he gets molested by some creep sitting next to him. THEN, he gets stalked by some weirdo who gives him glasses that shape his worst nightmare. Kid can't catch a break, for god's sake.



Between Jack and his friend, Conner, there seemed to be a lot of pent up sexual tension that the author seemed to acknowledge and tried to halfway relieve by making jokes about it. "We're sharing a bedroom. THAT'S SO GAY!" "We're sharing a bed. THAT'S SO GAY!" "The room is so small we have to shower with the door open. THAT'S SO GAY!" "Jack's never had sex with a girl before. THAT'S SO GAY!" I would have thrown the book across the room if it hadn't been for the fact that I as reading the thing on a pdf, and throwing my computer across the room to relieve my stress seemed counterproductive at the time.



It might seem abrupt to end the review here, but I can't think of anything else that was in my mind while reading the book. So, farewell my darlings. Thank you for your time.

my Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You review

Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You: A Novel by Peter Cameron

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


You know, this book is kind of one of the ones that you're more excited about reading than you are after actually having read it. James is one of the most frustrating protagonists ever. He hates everything. His peers, his parents, his life, college(he hates Stanford more than Brown, by the way), his life...did I already mention that? Well, he hates it double.



In fact, one of the only things he doesn't hate is his boss, John, who he has a crush on. Well, no, of course he doesn't say or even acknowledge that he has a crush on John during the entire novel, but we as the reader just know. In fact, he likes John so much that he says John is one of the only people he can stand/likes being around in general.



What does he do about this? Well, instead of proclaiming love (I told you, James doesn't love anything), he creepily searches Johns internet history (okay, okay, he only presses the back button a few times, but still) and sees that he's been on a website called gents4gents. Now, any normal person? "Wowzers! If he's so desperate for relations that he's going on an online website filled with weirdos to find love then that means I have a chance!! Now to go woo him!~~"



James?



"LOLZ I think I'll make an account on here that's the perfect match of what John is looking for, pose to be him and get invited to a restaurant to meet him. LOLOLOLOL. Of course, I'll show up to said restaurant as myself and not as this hulking hunk I pretended to be online to HUMILIAAAAATE John! LOLOLOLOLZZZZ! *super serious* But of course, we all know it's only a joke, amirite??? EHEHEHEHEH?"







Of course he doesn't decide to show up to the party as himself instead of the hulking hunk until later. But, still. My point stands.



It's not like James is stupid. He knows what he's doing. He's just tactless. He doesn't know how to treat people. He honestly seemed to think that he and John would just laugh it off. He isn't an asshole. He's just terribly misplaced and misguided.



But that doesn't stop the urge to falcon punch him from coming on chapter after chapter after chapter after chapter.







Ahhhh. Much better.





This book requires a lot of patience. Too much patience for the average person.



2.7 stars.

my Gone Gone Gone review or alternatively titled How Hannah Moskowitz Became My Favorite Author Ever

Gone Gone Gone...what can I say? Well, here's the answer to that:

Gone, Gone, Gone by Hannah Moskowitz

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Okay, I think I've recovered enough to write a review.



The Good



Characters



I'll start with Craig.



Craig is not your typical gay boy. Firstly, he is black, which made me tingle with delight after being a first hand witness that if you're gay you can only be white and feminine. I really like what she did to that stereotype. To me, Craig wasn't very girly. He wasn't boyish either, oh God no, but he wasn't girly.



If you've read the Animorphs, he's sort of like a male Cassie -- coupled with the love for animals. If you haven't read Animorphs, well, then I don't quite know who to compare him to.



Be forewarned, Craig is a crybaby. But his crying is with reason, and it is pointed out that he does cry alot, which is much appreciated. Nothing is worse than a crybaby who is painted off as being a cold-hearted strong trooper. No, Craig's flaws are pointed out.



However, there is something with Cody. Cody is Craig's ex-boyfriend. Craig doesn't talk about him much -- wait, that's not true. He won't shut the hell up about him, but what I mean is that he never really talks about him. However, I've come to the conclusion that after Cody's dad dies Cody becomes utterly and completely screwed up. I think he probably verbally/physically/generally abused Craig in some way, but I'm not sure.



Because of Cody's fragility, Craig has become obsessed with taking care of things after Cody leaves to go to a mental hospital (I told you, the dude's screwed up). Which is why he has like a million animals. Actually, he only has about twenty. But when someone breaks into the house and the animals run away, Craig is left all alone. Until...



Now, we get into Lio.



Lio's therapist describes him as "a little fucked up", and if that isn't an indicator that he isn't quite right then I don't know what is. Lio and his twin developed cancer, and his twin died while he survived.



Lio, make no mistake, is a jerkass at times. But you don't excuse him for it because of his bwaaaad pwaaaast. You mull it over and forgive him because he seems genuinely sorry, and most of the time does make a good point in between his jerkassness.



Lio doesn't like to talk. But you really don't start to notice this until around halfway through the book. He's not your typical mute, though, because whenever he does open his mouth sometimes you begin to see why he keeps it shut.



And then there are those times when he opens his mouth and you wonder why he ever shut it in the first place.



Now, their dynamic,



Keep in mind, I am not a romance person. In fact, I generally try to stay away from romance (<--- LIES). However, somehow, I always end up reading romance books.


Lio and Craig have an interesting dynamic. Their friendship is cute and funny, while being distant and rather cold. It only confuses things when Lio kisses Craig, but honestly I'm wondering how Craig didn't see this coming. Sure, Lio doesn't seem gay, but the signals were...rather large. To me, anyway.



They're both fifteen (Lio is like, six months older but Craig is almost a foot taller) and this doesn't bother me. They don't seem young, at least not annoyingly young, and that is a relief. I'm getting sick of couples acting like five year olds and then it being played off as cute. Honestly, it's something if both people act like five year olds. But mushy, annoying, high pitched whining five year olds? No.



Their romance is something else entirely. It is possibly one of the sweetest things I have ever read, although things do get dark for a while. Keep in mind, I have not yet rated any LGBT books above 3 stars yet, I'm pretty sure, because if you're going to sell the boy/boy romance thing to me you have to work for it. This book worked for it.





The Side Characters



Now, in many a romance book side characters are either played for laughs, ignored, or made as annoying plot devices. I was happy with the way all of the characters in this novel were developed.



And guess what?



No disappearing parents syndrome! (<-- Not my ingenious phrase, btw)


I feel like the parents are real people. Although we don't go into them too much, we do get pretty solid personalities that aren't the typical quipster parents. Or quirky parents. Or just the nice parents. They are individuals too!!



It is set pretty early that Craig is a pretty miserable and alone insomniac, while Lio left all of his friends behind when he moved from New York, so neither of them have friends. However, we are given wonderful character development on Todd, Craig's brother, which I appreciate.



Also, I've noticed that in many boy/boy romance novels girls are demonized. I don't like this, and find it increasingly annoying (hel-lo! not all girls are make up obsessed high-maintenance freaks of nature!). However, there are a lack of girls in this novel. But the ones that we do meet, are not stereotypes, and they aren't annoying brats.



Which gives this book a few more points.



The Narration



The Narration is easy to read through, and guess what? IT'S DUALLY NARRATED! It was perfect for this book, and awesome to get into the mind of both characters. Win, Gone Gone Gone, win.



We aren't littered with adjectives, annoying purple prose, or anything of the sort. We're generally quick and straight to the point.



Which is awesome for someone like me, with a short attention span.







With good, however, comes bad.



The Bad



There aren't too many bad things about this book I can say, besides the one thing staring me straight in the face.



The plot.



Yes, Gone Gone Gone, you won on so many levels, but on this aspect, you didn't win that much. We should have focused more on the inciting incident, and then perhaps picked up the pace, created a better false happiness or false defeat, perhaps given each character an overarching plot or goal to follow.



That, is my only complaint.







In conclusion,





What I do love about this book is that all ends are tied. Nothing is forgotten, and everything is resolved in a pretty agreeable fashion. That's really all I ask...or at least one of the major things.





Book, you get a thumbs up!





And not just any thumbs up...



A Rock Lee thumbs up!

my Hunger Games review

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


I was going to continue Catching Fire today or tomorrow, but first I have to write this review.



The Hunger Games is probably one of the strangest specimen I've ever come across.



Okay, first we have Katniss. I was skeptical, but she actually is a strong female character. She doesn't take shit, she makes her own decisions, she's intelligent...and I like her. I like to read about her. I admire her for standing up for her sister -- sure, it seems like a plot device but it wasn't written in a way that came off like that.



The world building was a little annoying, because it was inconsistent and didn't make much sense. Why would the districts be afraid of the Capitol? The districts import from the Capitol, so the Capitol can't do a repeat of District 13 without depriving themselves of something or the other. If all of the districts went on a strike, it'd be the Capitol saying "Ut oh".



One line in the entire book stuck out to me,



To this day, I can never shake the connection between this

boy, Peeta Mellark, and the bread that gave me hope, and the

dandelion that reminded me that I was not doomed.



The dandelion that reminded her she was not doomed? The bread that gave her hope? Oh come on, not even I am that much of a SAP.



But other than that? The prose was consistent. I've heard more than once that Suzanne Collins rewrote The Hunger Games from third person to first, and for that she has a lot of my respect. But for other things...



Such as...the love triangle...



WHY? WHY DID YOU DO THIS? We didn't need any romance in the book! At first Peeta's crush on her was cute, and I was like "D'awww!" but then it got annoying. Especially when they began to force them together? That was just sick. Of course she's pissed at first, but then everybody keeps reminding her "Oh! It's just for the games! It's just for the games! You want to live, don't you?"



ARGH!



You want to know the truth about the pairings I support?! You really want to know?



THE HELL WITH KATNISS PEETA/GALE!



RUE AND THRESH!



Yes, yes, I went there. Who cares? I'm sick of the love triangles with the heroine. Rue and Thresh are my favorite paring, got it? No moar question!



Anything else I wanted to say?



...



Not about this book.



It was good, but taking the romance from it would have made it great.



Also, that ending was the worst in history.



EDIT*



Also, I loved Cinna.

my review of Totally Joe

Aaand another cross post. Once again thanks for reading :)

Totally Joe by James Howe

My rating: 1 of 5 stars






INTRODUCTION



I can not describe in words. I just cannot. I hold so much distaste and venom for this book that I will dissect the following conversation printed on the book jacket to, indeed, show you just one reason why I hate Joe.





"Everybody says you and Colin were kissing."



"What? That's ridiculous!"



"For heaven's sake, Joe, if you and Colin want to kiss, you have every right to."



"We did not kiss," I told her.



Addie shrugged. "Whatever."



What was it with my friends?



Addie, not only has been his best friend since they were, what little kids, and yes, unless she's a moron, knows that he likes Colin. Also? Why say "what was it with my friends"? You are gay. You are flaming. You expect them not to notice and then get annoyed when they do? I know it seems petty, but ooooh this is just the tip of the iceberg for Joe.



---



STEREOTYPE HAVEN









(If you can't recognize him, this is actually Kurt Hummel dressing up as a....well, he's pretending to be a....wearing the costume of....actually, no, I don't know what the hell he think's he's doing this time. Nevermind.)



The two biggest camp gay people I could think of. Bruno Mars, and yes Glee Fans, Kurt I-Am-A-Gay Hummel. I know adding his middle name was mean, but that is my point. THIS IS ALL THESE CHARACTERS ARE. They both stereotypical gay males. Feminine, (haven't seen Bruno yet but I've heard) high-maintenance, annoying as Fuck (yes, capital), and finally? OVER. FRICKEN. DONE.



If I see or even HEAR of one more feminine gay dude in ONE MORE GOSHDARNED BOOK, I WILL SCREAM.



Stereotypical Gay Check-List



Played with dolls when little? Yes.

a. Barbie dolls? Yes

b. Hated "manly" things, like GI Joe? Yes.



Talks with "omigods" and "totally"s? YES.



Generally sounds like an annoying as hell eleven year old girl? OMIGOD, yes.



Doesn't "get" football, even though dad and older brother/sister watch it? Yes.



Crush on person described by you as "jock"? Yes!



Said person is closeted gay/not gay at all? Yes.



Do you not respect/don't really like/grown apart from your female friends? Yes.



(If you answered 5 or more of these questions, you COULD be a stereotypical gay person in a YA novel! WATCH OUT!)



I mean, it's not like I can't take a joke. I like stereotype characters when they're played for laughs, lampshaded, or for God's sake at least pointed out by ONE character! But Joe is not only supposed to be taken seriously, he is our main character and we are supposed to like and actually be interested in him and his annoying existence.







----



WHY SHOULD I EVEN CARE?



I don't. Honestly, I couldn't even finish this one. I got something like halfway through before I just had to put it down. Joe was just so annoying, everything was pretty boring, and combined the two were infuriating.



I don't even know what he saw in Collin. It seems like anything jock and hot these moronic characters seem to fall for. Both sexes. It's annoying. Can these people actually have personalities or something remotely likable about them before they're hailed as SOULMATE BOYFRIEND LOVER BOYFRIEND SOULMATE!



---



THE FINAL ACT



Conclusion?



A reader needs incentive to finish or even like a book. This incentive? Decent characters, interesting plot, anything except for nothing. And what did I get from this book? LESS than nothing.



I'm going to have to surprise dropkick some people to get all of this anger out.









I can't even get joy out of surprise dropkicks anymore. :(



----



ADDITION



After scrolling through quotes on the sidebar, I found this gem:



I never thought I could write this much and now that it's coming to an end, I feel sad that I have to stop, sort of the way you feel at the end of a really good book and you know you're going to miss the main character. But in this case, the main character is me! Myself. Joe (formerly JoDan) Bunch.



BWAAHAHAHAHAA OHGOD OHGOD YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME AHAHAHUUAHAAAAAHHAHAHA



....okay, okay I think...I think I'm through *wipes eyes*



Joe, formerly JoDan, Bunch? I find it hard to miss you, or feel sad that I stopped. And this was not a "really good book".



The "subtle" programming failed. Nice try.





cross posted from goodreads here

my review of Angel Star

Also crossposted from goodreads.

Angel Star by Jennifer Murgia

My rating: 1 of 5 stars






I'm not going to torture myself any more with this, and I hope none of you choose to do the same. That's right, bitches -- I'M GOING TO REVIEW A BOOK WITH HAVING ONLY READ HALF OF IT.







So, let us begin on our journey...



Prolouge



When people say "This is the worst book I have ever read" in their reviews, I used to think they were overreacting...



TEN REASONS WHY I STOPPED READING ANGEL STAR



1. The Plot



Or, more accurately, the lack of one.



Let me tell you two solid things I should see by page 100.



Firstly, the antagonist. The closest thing we have to an antagonist at this point is Brynn, the head cheerleader of the book who bullies Teagan. (I'll get into that and the idiocy behind it later.) Now, even if Brynn was the real antagonist she'd suck as one, but once again I'll get into that later. But Brynn isn't the antagonist. I know for a fact that some joker named Hadrian (lol, seriously? Hayden is cool, Adrian is cool, but Hadrian? Really?) is supposed to be the antagonist.



So...where the fuck is he?







Secondly, I SHOULD SEE SOME HINT OF A PLOT THAT I CARE ABOUT. Let me tell you the plot of what I read of the book so you can see for yourself...



1. Teagan wakes up and goes to school for ten pages.



2. Teagan is bullied by Brynn.



3. Teagan meets a hot guy.



4. Teagan falls in love with the hot guy.



5. Teagan goes on a date with the hot guy.



6. Teagan haz psychic dreamz!



This, yes all of this, for 100 pages. This is me:







I mean, really? WE WASTE 100 PAGES ON THIS? THAT'S ALMOST HALF OF THE BOOK. By now we should have had the inciting incident, the villain should have been introduced, the subplot should have been introduced, and you should be building to the midpoint of your story -- aka the false happiness. But what does Angel Star do?







I spent a good three to four days of my life reading this. THOSE ARE DAYS I CAN NEVER GET BACK.



2. Claire



Well, there isn't really much you can say about Claire...







Um, so maybe there is one thing you can say about her...







Perhaps there's something that makes her stand out from any other YA herione's best friend...







OH MY GOD I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!



YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH? HUH? DO YOU?



THE TRUTH IS THAT CLAIRE IS THE MOST SEXIST BITCH I'VE EVER, EVER SEEN IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE!



Teagan tries to tell us that Claire is a headstrong person and a wonderful best friend, but it is ALL LIES. Want me to show you? Want me to give you a peek into the book at the sheer fuckery that is Claire? Okay...hold on to your hats!



"



Claire smiled as she flicked my arm with her finger. She stared me up and down for a few seconds then said in a serious voice, “You need a boyfriend.”



I stuck out my jaw and sighed. Like that was going to happen anytime soon.



“You know, someone to save you from the evil witch who walks these halls.” Claire’s gaze drifted out into the traffic of students.



"



Let it sink it. Let is melt in. Reallyyy think about that for a while. You done? Okay.



Here are some of my thoughts on it:











Okay, WHAT? WHAT? Okay Claire, are we cavemen now? Are we in the fucking dark ages? Is "U NED MENZ 2 PRTECT U" really something you can even think without recoiling in disgust from your own words?



Let me tell everyone just now the difference between a badass best friend and a punk ass bitch:



The badass will slap any idiot into next Tuesday who thinks it's a good idea to pick on her best friend.



The punk ass bitch will mildly snip to the idiot who thinks it's a good idea to pick on her best friend, and then she will tell her best friend to get a man to protect her.



We clear on that? Good :)



3. The Prose







Let me give you an example...



The tall boy stood in front of me, his features soft, yet chiseled, and I couldn’t help but notice the way the sunlight played with his sandy hair. The way it curled loosely around his face, capturing the specks of light that fell onto us from between the branches. But…his eyes. They were the warmest, most endless aqua —and inhumanly hypnotic. Suddenly, I couldn’t recall any sort of discomfort in my head, just a soothing warmth flowing within me, and the panic of the morning -- the taunting, the winged mirage in the hall—simply melted away at the sight of him.







Okay, what the hell. Is. That. I'm getting Twilight flashbacks. Here's a game! Re-read that whole passage three times without stopping for air! Then again...please don't! We don't want poor little ol' Sev to get sued by your family and friends once you go into a Angel Star induced coma, now would we?



Since the passage pretty much speaks for itself, I'll just say this : even ignoring the things such as...THE TENSE CONFUSION THROUGHOUT THE BOOK, Angel Star has some of the most horrific prose I've ever seen. I can't believe I was talking bad about Shiver's prose...ack...







I-I'm sorry...just give me a minute before we continue....



....



....



Okay...I think I can move on now...



4. Brynn







She is a fail in every sense of the word.



Her entire purpose is to be a bully so we feel sorry for Teagan! Well, it didn't work. I just didn't care.



Brynn has no motivation for her actions, no personality besides "bitchy" and no depth. Seriously, I don't even know what the author was trying to do with her.



Ick. Even typing her name makes my skin go all slimy.



5-6. Gareth and Gareth&Teagan's Epic True Love







Oh my god, I don't think there has ever been a more boring person and couple in the history of the universe.



Gareth is nothing but a hot boy! He has no personality what so ever. My god, I was crying at the screen to make it stop. It's sort of obvious why Teagan is in "love" with him, but why is he in love with her? THERE IS NO REASON WHATSOEVER. He's just there to be her perfect boyfriend! She even admits she has no idea why he's interested in her!



Don't even get me started on their relationship. Well, okay, you want to know what it's like? Do you want to know? Look here:



Teagan(thinking): Oh my God. Hot boy. He is so hot.



Gareth: *talking about something*



Teagan: Huh? Oh. Hi.



Gareth: lol, *says something "dazzling"*



Teagan: *swoons*



Gareth: Can I randomly ask you out on a date even when we've only known each other for a hour and a half?



Teagan: I'm so desperate and you're so hot...



Gareth: What?



Teagan: I mean yes! *giggle*



Gareth: Bye!



Teagan: *swoons*



*later*



Teagan: The hot boy! I mean, Gareth! Hi!



Gareth: Let's go on that date!



Teagan: *swoons*



*at coffee shop*



Teagan: *swoons*



Gareth: *talking abo



Me:



ACK, IT'S JUST SO BORING! I'm falling a sleep simply transcripting their conversations!



7-10. EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT THIS ATROCIOUS BOOK!



In Conclusion



Dear Angel Star,







Fuck you, fuck your mother, your father, your brothers and sisters, cousins, uncles and aunts, grandparents, great grandparents and all of your friends.



Love,

Sev :)



Now time for plagiarizing Kira's reviews...

Bonus Time!



Let's play a guessing game!



Would I rather...!



Would I rather...

A. Make faces at myself in the mirror for 10 minutes...

Or...

B. Re-read Angel Star



Would I rather...

A. Drink a warm glass of Pine-Sol...

Or...

B. Re-read Angel Star



Would I rather...

A. Eat my own liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti...

Or...

B. Re-read Angel Star



Think carefully now, darlings, and then tell me your answers in the comments :)





cross posted from goodreads here

review of City of Ashes

A review on my goodreads that got quite a bit of attention and even got me a spotlight for 49th famous reviewer for a while.

City of Ashes by Cassandra Clare

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


Fans of The Immortal Instruments --



I've decided to rate this 2 stars. That's all I can give it.



Here we go --



First thing's first

Characters



JACE



The meme that most describes him?





Yes. Jace is a jackass. That much of a jackass.



In fact, this meme doesn't even do Jace justice. Jace is the reason I hate this book. Jace is not just a jackass -- he is a gigantic asshole.



He bosses Clary around constantly, to the point where logic is twisted just so they can end up at the same place together. He thinks himself higher than everyone else, picks fights for no reason (to the point where he goes in a pub full of werewolves who just lost a cub(no older than fifteen) and berates them for feeling sad about this -- WTF?), and is a general awful person.



The worst part?



Because of his "BWWWAAADDDD PWWWAAASSSTTT" we're supposed to be sympathizing with this self absorbed FREAK! Let me tell you this, I don't give a flying banana leaf(yes, running out of euphemisms here) how tortured or depressed or loony this guy is, if he is an asshole he is an ASSHOLE, no questions asked! I am not going to excuse him for it because he has a little wangst material!



Don't get me wrong, Jace's life sucks, sure -- but I don't CARE. It can suck and suck and suck -- that doesn't give him an excuse to be such an asshole all of the time.



Everytime Jace comes up in the book, I want to curse at him. I want to kick him and scream at him. I WANT HIM DEAD IN THE GROUND.



Jace ruined this novel for me than anything else. The self absorbed jerk.



CLARY



Actually, Clary isn't as annoying as I thought she was going to be. If she wasn't such a Mary Sue and a moron, maybe I could like her.



Firstly,



Let me give you the meme that describes Clary,







Also,







Firstly, Clary is such a flaming Mary Sue.



She can create her own runes. Runes in this world are like spells in the Harry Potter world. Let's take Harry. Imagine he can create his won spells -- on the spot, mind you. Lets imagine they always work. Now, make his dad Voldemort. He's not a chosen one anymore, but his dad being Voldemort should make up for that, amirite?



Her own BROTHER wants her. As in, wants to mate with her. Wants to run away with her. Gross.



Secondly, she is an idiot.



And by idiot, I mean utter and complete moron.



"Clary could see why they were called the Fair Folk, for they were fair indeed with their pale lovely faces, their wings of lilac and gold and blue—how could she have believed Jace that they meant to harm her."



Can I roll my eyes? Just because they look prrrtttyyyy, THEY CAN'T HARM ANYONE??



She is a block of wood. A prop. I was surprised that the story was even told from her point of view. She is rarely active. The entire novel, everything is happening to her, which can get vastly annoying. She isn't as whiny as Jace, thankfully, and not nearly as much of a jackass. But she is just...a block of wood.



She is also a doormat. She lets everybody walk all over her -- and only protests when it has to do with Jace!



She had to be told FIVE TIMES not to touch the magical fairy drink that would keep her dancing forever. FIVE TIMES. You'd think that after that long living in such an unpredictable magical world, she would have gotten a little bit of common sense and thought "Oh God, maybe...just MAYBE...this isn't a good idea! Maybe I should listen when people who have lived in this world their entire lives talk to me!"



She never has any ideas. She never contributes anything. The only saving grace is her stupid rune making skills, which aren't used in the slightest to actually do important things.



Honestly, if Clary was cut out of this book and replaced with a plant, I doubt it would have made much of a difference.



MAGNUS



A delicate mix between,







and,







The first thing that set me off about him was that he seemingly popped out of nowhere, only to be a healing plot device.



Nobody had met him before, besides Alec.



EDIT! : Actually, as lovely Jillian corrected me below, they HAD known Magnus. This is odd to me, because from their reactions upon encountering them, it seemed like they had no idea who he was. Well, another reason as how I don't think very highly of Clare's writing skills. I don't care if I come into a book seventy volumes late -- there are some things I should be able to pick up! This happens to be one of them.



The second thing that set me off was when Alec sat on an end of a couch, only because (as Clare narrates) "it was as far away from him as possible". I get that this might have been because he didn't want anyone to think he was Magnus's boyfriend. I can deal with that.



But then we have number three.



"Mother." Alec's voice as he interrupted his mother was firm, implacable, and not unkind. "Father. There's something I have to tell you." He smiled at them. "I'm seeing someone."



Robert Lightwood looked at his son with some exasperation. "Alec," he said. "This is hardly the time."



"Yes, it is. This is important. You see, I'm not just seeing anyone." Words seemed to be pouring out of Alec in a torrent, while his parents looked on in confusion. Isabelle and Magnus were staring at him with expressions of nearly identical astonishment. "I'm seeing a Downworlder. In fact, I'm seeing a war—"



Magnus's fingers moved, quick as a flash of light, in Alec's direction. There was a faint shimmer in the air around Alec—his eyes rolled up—and he dropped to the floor, felled like a tree.



"Alec!" Maryse clapped her hand to her mouth. Isabelle, who had been standing closest to her brother, dropped down beside him. But Alec had already begun to stir, his eyelids fluttering open.



"Wha—what—why am I on the floor?"



"That's a good question." Isabelle glowered down at her brother. "What was that?"



"What was what?" Alec sat up, holding his head. A look of alarm crossed his face. "Wait— did I say anything? Before I passed out, I mean."



Jace snorted. "You know how we were wondering if that thing Clary did would work or not?" he asked. "It works all right."



Alec looked supremely horrified. "What did I say?"



"You said you were seeing someone," his father told him. "Though you weren't clear as to why that was important."



"It's not," Alec said. "I mean, I'm not seeing anyone. And it's not important. Or it wouldn't be if I was seeing someone, which I'm not."



Magnus looked at him as if he were an idiot. "Alec's been delirious," he said. "Side effect of some demon toxins. Most unfortunate, but he'll be fine soon."



Can someone tell me that making your boyfriend forget what he was saying when he was just about to admit to his parents that he was seeing you is NOT creeper behavior???



VALENTINE













There is a problem when I type your villain's name into Google and get a bunch of hearts and people kissing.



However, I can move past this if your villain is actually menacing in the book. Valentine is not. I struggle to care about whatever he does. When Jace being an asshole outshines this guy murdering CHILDREN for some freaky power ritual, there is a problem.



*sigh*



ANYWAY,



Those were the biggest problems, characterwise, I had with this book.



Secondly,

The Runes



*sigh* It'd be nice if we could have actual RULES for these things. Like, levels of runes one can preform. What happens if you draw a wrong rune, what makes a rune -- you know, actual creative thought. Could we have explored this, when, I dunno, Clary was CREATING runes???



Too much to ask, I suppose.



Thirdly,

Plot of the book

In pictures



Firstly,







Then some Jace angst.





Then some werewolves.





Then Jace being a jackass.





Then some kissing. (Well, eventually anyway)





Then some...vampires? Well, somewhere in the story there are vampires.





Then, more boredom.





Give or take more werewolves, more Jace being a jackass, Clary idiocy, and LOTS and LOTS of boredom...



And then we get a bad guy showdown...





It's a hell of a lot less interesting that that, though. More like this,







And that's pretty much it.



Oh, more kissing though.



Fourthly,

I am bored...



So, I will end this review. I've pretty much hit the nail on the hammer with everything that annoyed me anyway.



However,



YOU CAN LOOK NOW, THE IMMORTAL INSTRUMENTS FANS!



I will state what I like.



Maia



Maia was one girl who I liked. She was interesting, she didn't stand around and do nothing -- she acknowledged Jace as an asshole and didn't try and throw him pity parties because he had a hard time -- she fought (most) of her own battles, and wasn't an annoying and whiny brat.



HIGH FIVE.



Maia and Simon



Simon himself wasn't enough to get me to like him. He was a quipster, mostly, and his quipsterness with Maia's general awesomeness is a win. Her personality can suffice for his.



I liked them together. They had chemistry. They had something. I liked how the "Children of Night" and "Children of Moon" finally got along -- to show that, HEY, we DON'T have to hate each other just because our ancestors did.



That, was a win!



Things I didn't Mind



Alec,



Isabelle...



Alec?



...



...



Isabelle???



...



...



Concluding



Over all, this book wasn't my cup of tea. And I would not recommend it to anyone. BUT that doesn't mean there aren't some things that I DO like about it. Like Maia. And Simon.



Woo. That was long.



If You Are Enraged at My Review, Read This!



This if my personal opinion and IF you feel like making a rebuttal to my points, please feel free to do so. However, I'd appreciate it if you refrained from ad-homenim attacks (aka Namecalling), saying I "don't get it" or "don't liek don't read". I'd really appreciate that.





cross posted from goodreads here